KG's Hideaway

10-23-05 1:46am

Well, it appears that my life of hell is continuing through the weekend. Lack of sleep finally caught up with me about 6:30 last night and I fell asleep. It was perfect. Until 12:43 am, when my husband changed the channel on the tv and a Chris Rock commedy thing was on. I wanted so badly to be asleep, but instead I found myself....giggling. In spite of myself. That then turned into real laughing, Soon, I was damn near screaming from laughing so hard. Jeeez, it was funny but it came at a high price.

So I guess I'll write about how I resolved the issues with the kids. For once, I really thought about what I wanted to say instead of just yelling and going on and on like I normally do. My ADD even affects how I discipline the kids so I sometimes go off on tangents (just like I do on here) and lose my original thought.

The first one I dealt with was Ryan. I still didn't scream at her due largely to the fact that she seemed to be beating herself up way worse than I would have. It was obvious she'd spent much of the night crying because her eyes were puffy and she was really down. I asked her why she was upset, figuring she'd just tell me that she was upset about losing her privileges again. Instead, she told me that she doesn't even know why she consistantly does what she KNOWS will create distrust from me. She admitted that she had mostly planned ahead of time to lie about where they were going... and she didn't know why. So I decided that I needed to think a little bit more about this before I dealt with her. I just got the feeling that this was a pivotal discussion and I wanted to think it through.

Shortly after that, Austin came into my room. We discussed my "discovery" at length. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that his Lexus has little chance of moving out of my driveway any time soon. At least not with him behind the wheel. Ok wait, that's not exactly true because I had to let him take it to the repair guy today to see what exactly is wrong with the front end. He's worried because where the roof is caved in around the sunroof the paint started chipping and appears to already have started rusting. I told him to go buy a can of primer because I'm not going to fix that right now. But then, his roommates dad called Austin to tell him that he's sell him his Mazda. This car is sweet. All leather, not a scratch on it, sunroof, 6 cd changer, tinted windows... just a really nice car and we can get it for next to nothing. I am going to buy the car, but I'm not going to let Austin have it for a while. I told him that if I even suspect any bullshit, not only will he not have a car- I will pull him out of school and cut him off financially. I'm not going to play around with this. At all. He KNOWS I don't screw around when I make threats like this. When he was a freshman in high school I kept getting calls from his teachers because he wasn't taking his ADD meds so he couldn't hardly sit still in class. I told him that if I got one more call I would get up each morning and go to school with him. Walk him to each class and pull up a chair beside his desk and babysit him so that all his friends could see. He didn't take me at my word. Trust me when I tell you that he learned VERY quick that I wasn't playing. I never got another call from a teacher the entire time he was in school. So I'm hoping this goes the same way.

About an hour passes and Ryan came into my room to get something. I decided to go ahead and just lay it all out. I told her that the WORST part of what I feel isn't anger.. it's distrust and disappointment. She said that she did it because it was what her friend wanted, but I said that's bullshit. Besides, I've always told her that she doesn't have to be a leader all the time. But if she's going to be a follower then she'd better make sure she follows a leader that knows where the hell they're going. The funny thing is, I haven't told her what her punishment is, but she obviously knows not to ask for anything right now. Her cell phone is sitting here on my desk as well as her home phone. I didn't know that she could put a phone down without surgical excision, but it appears that it can, and did, happen.

After we were done talking, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She hung on for a long time and I felt my shirt getting wet from her tears. I suspect there is something else going on, but she insists that she's just disappointed in herself because she always pushes the limits that are set for her. I tried, ineffectually, to explain that kids are supposed to do that. That's how you learn what you can and can't do, but there's no way for her to truly understand that; just as I didn't when my dad tried to explain it to me. Because, for a kid, it makes no sense to tell them that they are supposed to do something that will obviously get them in trouble. Oh well, I think she and I have taken a big step towards understanding each other and I think/hope that, by not yelling at her and just trying to talk through the situation, we've stepped up to a new plane.

Strangely enough, I feel sort of proud of myself for how I handled these situations today. I've really wanted to make some changes in how I deal with the kids and today is the first time that I feel like I've followed through with it. I don't want to end up with the same type of relationship with them that I have with my parents. It's just so unhealthy, not to mention destructive and mean spirited. I want my kids to be happy, healthy, well adjusted kids. I've long ascribed to the belief that it is not my job to be a "friend" to my kids. It's my job to teach them to be the type of person that I want to be a friend to when they are adults. Austin, being 18, is getting close. He's making some stupid choices but I'm really proud of who/what he is. Like me, people can only take him in small doses because he can be a really overbearing kind of person. He makes it his personal quest to make everyone laugh all the time. Often, it is inappropriate. Ryan will be/is a wonderful person and will be just lovely. She's kind hearted and sweet and people really like her. Kyra is still figuring it all out. Speaking of Kyra, I found it highly ironic that she was the only kid who stayed off my shit list today. Good for her!

So all in all, it turned out okay today. We'll have to see where all this goes, but I have high hopes for it. I just really feel good about today and I don't totally understand that. I've got to figure out the situation with Austin and his car(s) though. I'm not sure if I want to sell the Lexus or fix it and let Ryan have it. I'm leaning towards ditching it. The Mazda is a really nice car. These are the kind of people who having nothing in their garage except their cars, and it's still swept out every Saturday morning. Everything around them is pristine and they work on their cars themselves. They really enjoy that, so they know each and every thing that is wrong with the car. He told Austin that it's using oil pretty heavily because the valve cover is leaking. He said it won't last but about another 20,000 miles until it has to be repaired, but when I called our mechanic to see how much that would cost, he told me it would only be around $800. Even throwing that in with the price of the car and it's still a STEAL. They are practically GIVING him the car... $1000, just because they really like him. They have several cars, including two old Mustangs that they have totally redone themselves, and this car just sits there because they drive other cars. I can't pass this up.

Alright, I guess I'm done. I'm going to have to learn to paraphrase or something. My posts are so freakin' long... sheesh. night! kdgr