KG's Hideaway

10-21-05 1:45am

Not sure why I'm awake. I was sound asleep, and next thing I knew my eyes were wide open and sleep is nowhere to be found. I had the surgery on my hand two weeks ago and it seems to be healing well. I've got alot more movement and am able to make a fist now, so I'm pretty happy about that.

Austin is doing well in college and tonight he competed in the "Beauty and the Beast" pageant. Each dorm had to pick one guy that would be sent over to the corresponding female's dorm and they would dress them up as women while the girls had to dress like a man. Austin got fourth, so he was happy. That type of thing is right up his alley... anything, or any reason to hang out with chicks.

Tomorrow night is Ryan's final volleyball game, and I hate to admit it but I can't wait. This season has been torture. They suck beyond reason. Starting Monday she'll be in basketball and I'll be happy as hell about that. We have to spend several days in Austin in two weeks for their school tournament, but that's a fun one and we'll probably go ahead and tour UT while we're there. She's getting college letters by the truckload here lately... Kansas State is hitting her pretty hard. I think they've sent about 7 letters. They've also been contacting her coaches. I'm hoping that she just keeps on showing what she's got, because if she wants to play college ball she's got to stay with it and practice hard.

Sometimes I worry about what she's putting her body through and how much of this she really wants. We're constantly asking her if she'd like to back off a little or talking to her about over doing it. She plays competitive sports year round. Top that off with the fact that she's 6 '2 and is a VERY picky eater, and that leaves the door open for stress fractures (already had to have surgery on her foot for that). She also has scoliosis. Not bad... not even anything that you would notice unless you could see her entire spine when she bends over to touch her toes. But still, it just leads to other trouble. I've decided I'm going to get her in to see a nutrionist. Our medical insurance doesn't pay for it, but I really think that's the best way to help her protect her body. She loves fruit but doesn't eat much meat at all. A little chicken and an occasional bit of steak or hamburger, but that's it.

Kyra is driving me nuts. I don't know how else to put it. I'm rying to be understanding because I really think she's acting out because her mom is getting married in two weeks. She hasn't seen her since March when Laura (her mom) told us that she was looking for a counselor for Kyra that had experience in dealing with divorce/teenage issues... that kind of crap. But when she told Craig that I couldn't believe it. I mean, don't MOST counselors do that stuff? It surely doesn't take 8 months to find one! It's just not important to Laura, and that's the long and short of it. BUT... to be fair, Kyra hasn't been a kid that is fun to be around. She's hateful, spiteful, mean spirited... but it's all coming from the hurt feelings she has. But none of us can figure her out or why she's feeling the way she does. She was in counseling for a long time and the counselor finally told us that the counseling wouldn't do any good until Kyra was ready to actually do the "work". She frustrates me to no end and there are days that I am angry just looking at her because of the stress this is putting on Craig. He is mortified that his child is acting this way, but I try telling him that it's just her age- and all the other bullshit in her life.
I'd give just about anything to make her happy but right now she doesn't want to be happy or she'd do something about it. Of course, along with the CP she has OCD so that contributes to the problem. Hopefully, it will settle down soon.

She got a bad grade in keyboarding class on her progress report and I was really unhappy about that. She has cerebral palsy, though it's quite mild in her. But still, the left side of her body resembles someone who has had a stroke therefor it doesn't work too well, making keyboarding difficult for her. We asked the teacher to contact us and she explained that she figures Kyra's grade by taking the number of keystrokes and doubling it, which seems fair enough. The problem came up when she entered a grade as a "7" instead of an "87" so it made her grade quite low. It's been rectified and it was really nice to hear from a teacher who isn't expecting her to work like the other students while still setting some expectations of her. I can't stand people who just find it easier to do it for her instead of teaching her to do things herself. Certainly there are things that she just won't be able to do, but she HAS to try. That's all I ask. Just try, and if you can't do it then I'll help you. Sadly, she freely admits to preferring that people just wait on her hand and foot, but I guess we all like that sometimes.
Craig is going to take off work and go to the Austin bsketball tournament with me. I guess that means we'll take Kyra, but I'd rather see if we can find someone for her to stay with while we're gone so that she doesn't miss school. The tournament starts on a Tuesday so it would basically mean her missing amolst a week of school. Not sure I like that, but maybe we can get her work done ahead of time. Here is a picture of Ryan warming up before a game. She's right in the middle of the net... look how freakin' high she jumps!! Sheesh, she's 6 '2 BEFORE she jumps!

Well, I finally did it. When I went to see my pain doc on Tuesday I told him that I was ready to get off all my meds. We started with the muscle relaxers and lowered my dose to half of what it was before. Next month, we'll either half it again or take it all away, depending on how I handle it. So far, no withdrawals but that doesn't really surprise me because I didn't even have a headache when I came off of Oxycontin after three years. The neruontin, of all things, is what scares me the most. I get this HORRIBLE tingling feeling in my arms and legs any time we've tried to get off that. the symptoms are similar to restless leg syndrome and that's the only way I know how to describe it. It's awful, and you feel like you HAVE to move. I also take Doxepin, which is an antidepressant but it was given to me to help me sleep. Those two will be the last ones I come off of, but I have made up my mind that this is it. I've said it before, but this time it's real. I'm going to do this... I know I can. Strangely enough, it's not the narcotics that scare me to be without. It's that damn neurontin and doxepin. If I can't sleep I turn into a raging bitch and that tingling is far worse than any pain I've ever dealt with. I'm scared, but I'm tried of being tied to a pill bottle. By January, I'll be free and I'm proud of myself for being able to say that.

Something just dawned on me. I said, "... I'm proud of myself..." and I don't think I've ever said that or even thought it. Why is that? Shouldn't we always be proud of ourselves? Or if we're not, shouldn't we change our behavior? I'm going to have to think about this one.

Lastly, I'm going to do what I have fought my whole life. I'm going to take the medicine for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I've fought it for years because it seems silly, but it's time to face it and deal with it. I was diagnosed at the same time AUstin was (12 years ago) but I've never taken the meds for it. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it's time. It's time for me to make the changes in my life... and I'm actually excited. kdgr