KG's Hideaway

5-23-05 7:29pm

I am SO fucking mad right now I don't even know what to say or, if I even tried to utter a coherent word, how it would sound. I'm absolutely positive that what I'm going to post about will not be popular and will even piss some people off, but I've got to get this out. I recognize that it's not popular to be THIS pissed off at a kid, but at least it's honest. Yes, I know that I could make this a "draft" instead of posting it, but what'd be the point, really.

I am angry at my husband... so fucking angry that I was ready to chuck it all and walk out. First, a bit of history for the uninformed.
We have custody of my two children and his daughter. She's 11 (almost 12) and going into the 7th grade. She is so smart, but doesn't have the sense God have gave a tree stump, I shit you not. (This is the same girl that WASHED a cardboard shoe box a few months ago. Yes, she washed it... in the bathroom sink, thereby causing a huge blockage and pissing off the whole house. Her excuse for washing it??? It was DIRTY. uhh ok) To be fair, she's kinda screwed up about all the crap between her and her mom, but she freely admits that she just doesn't want to do any of the "work" that is required to maintain even the simplest of relationships. She doesn't do a god damned thing she's told... well, it's either that or she will do EXACTLY as she is told. For example... she is told she has to be in bed by 8pm every night. She turns her light off as soon as the second hand hits the 12 to make it 8pm. She's told to eat no later than 6 if I don't cook dinner. She will make something to eat at exactly 6pm. She leaves for school at EXACTLY 7:35am. I could go on and on, but you get my point. Yes, she's obviously ocd but her counselor says there is nothing more that can be done until she decides to stop being so pigheaded. So she sits in her room staring at the walls, because we've told her that if she chooses to stay in her room instead of socializing with the family, she can't play or do anything else. So she sits there (as she puts it) "Trying to figure out why I keep doing the same thing." No matter how many times we tell her she won't figure out the answer if she hasn't in 4 FUCKING YEARS, she just keeps right on sitting. Most logical people would assume that she is miserable here... I assumed that, only to have the counselor tell us that Kyra CHOOSES to be here and WANTS to be here even though Craig told her that he just wants her to be happy and if she's not happy here we could either work on what WOULD make her happy or he'd understand if she wanted to go live with Laura even though he didn't want her to leave. Nope, she wants to stay here.

BUT... every single day it's the same thing with her. Every day. She either doesn't ask to get her shit from school signed, doesn't do her homework, doesn't BRUSH HER HAIR, doesn't take a bath, doesn't LOOK IN THE MIRROR at how nasty she looks. I mean, most girls by this age have taken a keen interest in their appearance, but not her. Last month, I shit you not, she went 5 days without a bath. Up til then, the counselor said the only way she'd learn is if she went to school that way and the kids teased her, but I couldn't let it go on any longer. I make sure she takes a bath every night (and don't you know that little shit hits the bath tub at the exact fucking same time of the god damn miserable day every time?) but I still won't pick out her clothes, force her to brush her teeth, hair.... nothing. Oh yea, the deal with her not looking at herself in the mirror came into play because I couldn't figure out HOW THE HELL SHE COULDN"T TELL THAT HER PANTS were 487 sizes TOO FUCKING SMALL. We bought her a full length mirror and I told her she is to check herself out from top to bottom every single day before she leaves the house. If she's unsure of the weather, she is to open the front door and see how warm or cool it is OR ASK, but nooooooooooooooo, can't do that.

I pretty much let it slide until the walked into the house on Friday, WHEN IT WAS ALMOST 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE... wearing a long sleeve shit. WTF? How god damn stupid is she going to ACT, or how fucking stupid am I for not being able to figure out what to do to help her. So I get frustrated at Craig for not doing anything about it. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems punishing the child. But I don't want to be the bad guy all the time and if he only gets onto her after I bitch at him, it's a moot point. Craig is not someone who typically doesn't chip in around the house. Hell, he does as much as I do (if not more) and holds down a full time job. But it pisses me off that he lets it go to avoid getting onto her, although he says it's just because he doesn't know what to try anymore. Ok, I get that but letting her get away with it will sure not make it any better.

So tonight, Craig ran Ryan up to the grocery store and while they were gone I walked into the kitchen only to see the light on in the front living room. I poked my head in the door to find her sitting in there. I asked my standard, "Have you forgotten anything tonight?" question to which she answered, "I don't think so." Oh really? Well, seeing as how I didn't cook any dinner tonight (it was an everyone for themselves night) I'm trying to figure out what she ate. So I said, "Did you eat dinner?" She said she hadn't. (Again, some history. When she was at her worst over a year and a half ago, she lost a TON of weight. This was not a child who was petite by any stretch of the imagination. Her mother would do things like, letting her eat 4 pop tarts AND a bowl of cereal for breakfast when she was visiting, or having a bowl of ice cream AND two popsicles every night. Typical "buy your kids happiness" kind of stuff, but she was a "thick" little girl. Anyway, she stopped eating almost altogether. At first the dr's said, let her eat when she's hungry and don't force her to if she's not. Well, she's downright skinny. Grossly so, if you ask me. She's got some issues with her metabolism I guess, because she has a disGUSTING body oder as well as foul breath. So she no longer has the right to choose anything about her menu.)

SO, I said... "Why didn't you eat?" She said that she didn't know what time it was. Keep in mind, that's been her excuse for everything she's done wrong in the last week. I told her to go to bed... then I heard Craig and Ryan getting out of the car so I told her to tell her dad. He came in and she started working the tears up (he buys into that shit) and said, "I didn't eat." So he asked her why, she told him she didn't know what time it was... blah, blah, blah. It dawned on me just then to ask if she'd been in the front living room all night. She said that she HADN'T. I asked her when she'd been out and she said she came out TO GO TO THE BATHROOM around 4:30. Ok here we go again. This is another example of precision. Technically, she came out of the front living room, she just didn't STAY out for more than 1 minute. I fucking LOST it. I told her she was playing games and she knew FULL FUCKING WELL what I meant.

I realized how angry I was so I just turned around (we were in my bedroom) and started opening my emails. Kyra just stared at Craig, and FINALLY he said, "What are you looking at ME for?" Kyra tells him, "Well, mom's through" and he said, "So?" I knew then what he was doing. He was pissed of that I'd interrupted him. I was ready to claw his fucking eyes out then. He just sat there, not saying a word so I told Kyra to go to bed. I then turned to Craig and told him to get out of MY bedroom. He decided to choose that moment to REFUSE, stating "It's MY room, too!" I fucking went off. I told him that I think it's WORSE than fucking pathetic that it was more important to him to make a point to me than to deal with his daughter's fucking inability to follow a single fucking rule in our fucking house on any fucking day. He said, no it's not. I said, then why is it you don't say a fucking word to her about it unless I'm already bitching at her or I'm bitching at YOU. He said that isn't true, but I can assure you it is. Then, I told him, "Get out of my room, because if you don't I WILL LEAVE THIS FUCKING HOUSE!"

So at this point, he walks into the closet to get his shoes. When I saw that I asked him where he was going. He said, "Why does it matter, you told me to leave the house so I will." Oh good try, fucktard, that isn't what I said and you know it. He said "yes it is!" Oh really? If I FUCKING told you to FUCKING leave my FUCKING house, why the FUCK would you FUCKING say, "It's MY room too?" Huh? Can you explain that shit? He knew he was busted then and just went, ironically, to the front living room.

I can't even explain how mad I am. Yes, I recognize that it can't be fun to bitch at your kid every day, but the alternative isn't to let them do whatever they want to do regardless of the rules. She knows exactly what she's doing. It's widely accepted with Kyra's teachers, counselors, family... whoever, that she is VERY manipulative and is quite aware of what she's doing, and it fucking pisses me off. I put up with so much shit in my first marriage, I will NOT do it again for an 11 year old. It pisses me off, and hurts even more, that it was more important to him to piss ME off than to punish her for breaking the rules. If the police find my husband's ball hanging from his rear view mirror tomorrow, I'll gladly confess to cutting the mother fuckers off. I've told him on more than 5 different ocassions that it hurts me when he doesn't deal with the issues with her unless I say something or he's intervening. His patented response is, I don't know what to do. I understand that, regardless of how I sound venting tonight. I'm at a loss, too. I really am, but that doesn't mean I'll allow her to trample the rules, because I have two other kids that live here and kids are like fucking sharks swimming in the water when they see a weakness in their parents. It will be total anarchy around here if I don't hold them accountable for their actions. I haven't been this mad in I don't know how long. I don't care if it hairlips the Pope, I won't continue putting up with this for much longer. I have done everything I know to do for her and she's an ungrateful little brat. They are ALL brats at some points in their lives, but she's just had an amazingly long and consistent run at it.

I feel like I just want to cry, but I can't figure out if it's just because I'm mad, hurt or what. I think some of it is guilt. I don't ever want to put Craig in a position of choosing between me and his daughter. That's awful, and if I was in that position I'd choose my kids, no matter how much I love Craig. I signed on to do what is right for my kids, not just to do what is right until it gets too hard or until xxxx. But at the same time, I love Craig and I know this isn't easy for him, so there is a part of me that wants to just do whatever it takes to make it easier on him and just letting her get by with some stuff would take care of that. But I know that won't really work. Besides all that, it's not fair to the kids who DO follow the rules. Don't get me wrong, the other two break rules, too but they don't break the same rules each time and they don't do it on a consistent basis. I mean, it's a kids JOB to push the limits to test the waters on just exactly how far they can go. But since she breaks the same rules day in and day out, she knows where the limit is... fuck.

I'm going for a walk so that I don't come home and send his "boys" through the meat grinder. Bastard! kdgr